so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
