Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
