Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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