Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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