I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
