There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
