I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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