He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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