speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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