its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
