I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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