I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
