Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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