At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
