Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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