Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
now i know why i became what i already was.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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