So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
