they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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