If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
