Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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