3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
