i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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