shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
