Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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