Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
