i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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