never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
