I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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