someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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