apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
