Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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