I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
