I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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