booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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