as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
