Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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