is your mom at the bar?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
