Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
