Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
