can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
