idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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