I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
