im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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