The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
