You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
