just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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