If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
