remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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