well you can't waste a boner
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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