We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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