You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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