Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
