Heybabeimwearingurpanties
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
