Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize