i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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