Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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