the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
