I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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