If that was your dad, he is hot
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
