I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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