I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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