a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
