Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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