i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
